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Humor

For a very long time, since 1974, we have been collecting all kinds of aviation humor. A lot of it has already appeared in print in our series of books:

Say again, Say no more, Say when, Say how, Say coffee or tea, Say heading,

For information about these books look at  "saybooks"

But we are planning more publications ! Some of the humor that we have available follows below ........
Perhaps you have some suitable story, please send it to me !
Use an e-mail (mail),surface mail or fax message.
If you wish, your name can be included as source in a future book.
Also you can be informed when future books appear in print.

Martin Leeuwis Publications

P.O.Box 192
5250 AD Vlijmen
NETHERLANDS

Aviation Humor

fax : +31-73-513 00 03  (24 hr automatic)
email:  humor @ leeuwispubli.nl
web : www.leeuwispubli.nl
web : www.aviation-humor.com

Some additional humor:

Emergency

A veteran 747 captain recently retired and got checked out in a Cessna 172 for"puddle jumping." After filing a short IFR flight plan over the phone one day,he definitely got the attention of the Flight Service Station specialist when he added,"and I’d like to declare an emergency at this time." Intrigued, the FSS mandutifully recorded in the "Remarks" section of the flight plan exactly what theold captain had to say: "Only one radio, one VOR receiver, no de-ice equipment, oneflight crew member, and one engine."

Frankfurt, a while ago....

"German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being ashort-tempered lot," an U.S. pilot notes. "So it was with some amusement that [aUnited 747] listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and thepilot of a British Airways 747 (BA 747, call sign Speedbird 206) "clear of the activerunway after landing at Frankfurt and headed to off load passengers at his designatedgate."

Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the maintaxiway and stops.

Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird: "Stand by ground, I’m looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatient): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn’t stop."

Wrong plane

During the "rush hour" at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayeddue to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraftwas backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then toldthe new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only tofind that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyonegot on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standardannouncement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change.This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., thenyou should ‘deplane’ at this time." A very confused-looking and red-facedpilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrongplane.

From our "so far, so good" file:

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had aproblem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom from the rest of theairframe.  Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360sin a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange wasoverheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don’t know, tower. We ain’t done crashin’ yet!"

Holding for your money 

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty(do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727complained, "Do you know it costs us two hundred dollars to make a three-sixty inthis airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four hundreddollars worth!"

Who's talking?

SouthWest was following United, taxiing out for departure. SouthWest called the towerand said "Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead andlet SouthWest go first". The tower promptly cleared SouthWest for takeoff beforeUnited had a chance to object to the impersonation!

Landing roll

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with an approach speedjust a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If notable, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

One liners:

What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?  A jet engine stopswhining soon after landing.

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishingyou were down here.

An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross weight, but it won’t flywithout fuel.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

If you’re ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights tosee the landing area. If you don’t like what you see, turn ‘em off!

Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutesearlier.

Too many pilots are found in the wreckage with their hands around a microphone orholding onto a keyboard. Don’t drop the aircraft while satisfying the computers.

An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.

Fly it until the last piece stops moving.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

A thunderstorm is nature’s way of saying "Up yours!"

Keep looking around, there’s always something you missed.

Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in thebusiness...is in the wrong business.

It’s best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once acaptain.

A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is about as exciting as kissing your sibling.

Three things kill young pilots in Alaska: weather, weather and weather.

Fuel is life.

The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gearhandle DOWN.

A "good" landing is one that you can walk away from. A "great"landing is one that lets you use the airplane another time.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else’s badjudgment.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won’t surprise him.

Learn from the mistakes of others...you won’t live long enough to make them allyourself.

How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?     He’ll tell you.

Approach: "What makes you think it’s YOUR altitude, captain?"

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying and aboutflying when he’s with a woman.

What's in a name

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored intoa long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.  KC Approach: "Malibuthree-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock and three miles."Three-two-Charlie: "We’ve got him. We’ll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clockand three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well......I’vegot something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle,though."

Most airline food is based on unidentifiable meat anyhow.

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as we liftedoff, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did youcopy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copiedEastern and we’ve already notified our caterers."

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on theairlines.....

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into therunway really hard.  The airline had a policy that required the first officer tostand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flyingXYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time lookingthe passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finallyeveryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  Shesaid, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no" said thepilot, Ma’am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or werewe shot down?

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hardlanding.  It wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the plane’sfault. It was the asphalt."

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard SouthwestFlight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you  don’tknow how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In theevent of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a smallchild traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you aretraveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, ourCaptain has landed in Seattle.  From all of us at United Airlines we’d like tothank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overheadbins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called"touchdown."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on aparticularly windy and bumpy day.  I could tell during the final that the Captain wasreally having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant cameon the PA and announced, "Ladies and  Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxiswhat’s left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We askyou to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Overheard by a guy giving short sightseeing rides: "Sorry about the rough landing,but I’m practicing for a job at a major airline. Next time I’ll try to lose yourluggage."

Conversion

Overhead in London TMA...

ATC: N12345, descend to 3,000’ on QNH 1019.

N12345: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019.

Supervisor, can I go home now?...

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of asingle-engine Cessna who is calling him on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday afternoon:

"Lost aircraft, say position."

Things which do you no good in aviation:

Altitude above you.

Runway behind you.

Fuel in the truck.

To find a lot more different aviation humor: just switch to "Humor"