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Technical humor

The aircraft technicians have their very own way of doing things with airplanes. We will try not to become too technical though....

From the "squawk sheets"

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

design limits

A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.

"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."

how ill is the a/c

China in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the cockpit and adresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"

They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut down again. Captain adresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take first plane!"